WebParenTips - The Online Parenting Newsletter
                  vol.2 no.11, August, 2001 

               TOO MUCH ATTENTION?

Most parents are worried about not spending enough time with their
children.

Every child needs some attentive time from each parent every day.
Attentive time is time when you are not doing anything else--you are
giving your child your full attention. You are close to your child and
fully engaged with your child, You are at your child's level--literally,
as you may be on the floor and figuratively, at the child's
developmental level.  You are doing something the child likes to do,
reading the child a book or playing a game, or you are showing the child
how to do something like sew doll's clothes or hammer a nail.  You
aren't thinking about work or cooking.

It doesn’t seem possible but parents can spend TOO MUCH attentive time
with their children.  Actually I can think of several reasons that
parents should NOT spend every waking moment hovering over their
children or giving them hours and hours of attentive time.

In the first place CHILDREN NEED THEIR SPACE.  Everybody needs to be
alone.  Babies over a few months of age need to be left alone to fall
asleep so they learn to develop their own sleep associations or they
won't be able to fall asleep except in their parent's arms.

Babies over a few months of age need to learn how to SELF-CALM, which
means parents should let them cry a bit after ascertaining the baby is
not in pain or danger.  They also need time alone to learn by doing
things themselves.  Of course we show them how to roll a ball but they
need to practice doing it by themselves.

Toddlers and preschoolers must learn how to SELF-ENTERTAIN.  They will
not always have Mommy around to think of the next game.  They also must
learn about give-and-take.  When they get to school they will not always
be the center of attention.  Teacher needs to spend time with other
children too.

Older children must learn how to PREVENT AND DEAL WITH BOREDOM. If every
time they say, "There's nothing to do around here!",  Mommy hovers over
them with suggestions, they'll have trouble learning how to banish
boredom by themselves.

Older children also need time alone to THINK AND DREAM.  They need some
privacy and a private place for their possessions.  They even need
little secrets.

The message that "over-attention" gives to children is that parents
don't trust them to be alone or to grow up by themselves--the parents
have to do it for them.  The best message parents can give a child is,
"We trust you to be able to grow up".  Obviously the way this message is
conveyed must be developmentally appropriate.  We can trust a
preschooler to climb on the slide but not play in the street.

If you feel you might actually be spending too much time with your
child, take the following steps.  1) Think about WHY you are doing
this.  What does your child need from you and how much?  What do you
need from your child and why?  2) BACK OFF from your over-comforting or
over-attentiveness.  3) Begin to give your child increasing amounts of
age-appropriate TIME ALONE.  If your child protests or complains, tell
your child that big children play by themselves for a while but when
you're through paying the bills, you'll read a story together.


Happy Parenting,
Marilyn Heins, M.D.

NOTE: There are New ParenTips on the website. See:

ParenTips


For comments, suggestions or requests for future topics
please write: 
info@parentkidsright.com


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Dr. Marilyn Heins is a Tucson pediatrician, parenting
columnist for the Arizona Daily Star, author of the book,
ParenTips, as well as a mother, stepmother and grandmother.

She is available for workshops and lectures to groups of
parents, teachers, and grandparents. See:

Dr. Heins' Lectures
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