WebParenTips - The Online Parenting Newsletter
                  vol.2 no.7, May 9, 2001 

                    HOW TO FIGHT RIGHT!

Many parents worry about the effects of arguing in front of
the kids.  Yet we all know marital spats are inevitable.

I've never known a couple who didn't spat--at least once in
a while. No matter how much love you have for each other
there will be times when your wants simply do not coincide.

Children are, without question, happier in a peaceful home
because children love both their parents.  It's amazing how
a child as young as one year of age will demonstrate empathy.
If Mommy cries because Daddy yells, the child cries too or
looks sad.  Older children may try to make  Mommy stop crying
or intervene.  Children often feel the conflict is their fault
and sometimes the argument is about the children.

One school of thought holds that parents should never allow
the kids to see or hear any marital discord.  Talk about
impossible goals!  But even if parents could shield all their
negative feelings and appear to agree all the time, they would
be presenting a totally unrealistic view of marriage.  Better
that parents model for their children successful resolutions
of the inevitable disagreements.

Really heavy stuff shouldn't be discussed or fought over in
front of the children --or in front of anyone else for that
matter.  A public place is not the appropriate setting for
private matters.

And, because parental fights are terrifying to children,
parents should not yell, throw things, or use/threaten
physical violence in front of the children.

Young children are frightened by the noise.  Seeing parents
out of control is always scary because children have trouble
with their own impulses and depend on the external control
their parents provide.  Further, children hate to see a parent
hurt and every opponent in a screaming fight gets hurt.
Finally, even preschoolers know about divorce and are
frightened about this possibility when parents fight.

However, parents should feel free to disagree in front of
the children.  Children should have the chance to observe
how two grown-ups resolve differences without yelling and
name-calling.  So the occasional bickering about whose turn
it is to take out the garbage won't hurt the children.

Sometimes the fact the children are around helps keep parents
under control so the argument doesn't escalate. One couple I
know got help and changed their conflict-resolution style
because their three-year old threw up every time they yelled
at each other!

For myself I learned that I was more apt to be argumentative,
which meant there was more apt to be an argument, when I was
tired or frustrated.  If I took a "time out" so I could figure
out what was really bothering me, I could often reduce the
tension I was feeling and prevent a spat.

It's best to use "I" messages ("I hate to see the trash
piling up!") rather than "You never" or "You always" messages
("You never take the garbage out until it falls all over the
kitchen floor!").  If there is a recurrent trigger, like the
piled-up garbage, sit down together in front of the children
and resolve the issue once and for all.  Let your children
see how grown-ups figure out solutions to a problem.  Maybe
the solution is as simple as a bigger trash can.

But there is more to learn than how to express yourselves.
We are not born with skills like how to negotiate or
compromise.  There are only three ways to learn these skills:
figure them out for yourselves, read books and take classes
about them, or get counseling.

A marriage that works, that nourishes each person, and that
allows each person the freedom to grow is a treasure.
Children thrive best when their parents have such a marriage.
Indeed, there is no better gift parents can give their
children than being part of a happy, functional family.


Happy Parenting,
Marilyn Heins, M.D.

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Dr. Marilyn Heins is a Tucson pediatrician, parenting
columnist for the Arizona Daily Star, author of the book,
ParenTips, as well as a mother, stepmother and grandmother.

She is available for workshops and lectures to groups of
parents, teachers, and grandparents. See:

Dr. Heins' Lectures
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