WebParenTips - The Online Parenting Newsletter
                  vol.3 no.6, June, 2002 

                          MANNERS

Pleasant surprise at my home recently: Our just 6-year-old twin
grandchildren sent a separate thank-you note to me and my husband for
the birthday gifts we sent!

Granted the cards were pre-printed with a space to fill in the name of
the sender, the gift, and the signature. But printing is laborious when
you're only six and to read the words "Grandma", "croquet set" (spelled
right) and "Hannah" or "Jeremy" was heartwarming.

There is no mother busier than our daughter who has both a busy
profession and twins. But she is taking the time to teach her children
something very important:
WE MAKE AN EFFORT FOR THE PEOPLE WE LOVE.

Although the world is a more casual place than it once was, people still
interact with each other and always will. People will always need to
interact kindly--which is one definition of manners.
The dictionary defines manners as polite conventions or polite ways of
social behavior. I like to think of manners as the quintessence of
human-ness because manners are based on LOVE, CONCERN, and
EMPATHY -- all very human characteristics.

How can parents best teach a child manners? How early should a parent
start? Children learn best through imitation. If they are surrounded
by people who love each other, do not wish to hurt each other, and
follow the "rules" for courtesy, the child will model this mannerful behavior.

But children learn in other ways too. They learn by INSTRUCTION and
SUGGESTIONS, and REMINDERS. Some parents today seem almost
afraid to make a direct suggestion when it comes to a matter of discipline
or manners. Not to fear. The gentle suggestion and the quiet reminder are
both effective ways to reinforce what the child is learning through imitation.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with reminding a toddler to say
"Please" and "Thanks". We hear a lot about four letter words today, but
these six letter ones are much more useful. Children learn at a rapid
rate, but until they cognitively understand the reasons for courtesy,
they will need to be reminded to say "Please." Many times.

What about the advanced course in manners? Important because when you
have finished your job of parenting, your child should be able to walk
through any door on earth and feel both comfortable and self-confident.
The child who has not learned the social conventions will not feel
comfortable inside this hypothetical door.

Some of the important conventions include introductions, the firm
handshake, table and restaurant manners, telephone manners, and
thank-you notes. Obviously you won't begin to teach these graces until
the child is developmentally ready.

But start early. Get young children into the habit of thank-you notes.
Even preschoolers can draw a picture and print their name on a letter to
Grandma. Of course it takes parental time and effort but it models and
teaches human kindness. What better way to spend your time?


Happy Parenting,
Marilyn Heins, M.D.

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Dr. Marilyn Heins is a Tucson pediatrician, parenting
columnist for the Arizona Daily Star, author of the book,
ParenTips, as well as a mother, stepmother and grandmother.

She is available for workshops and lectures to groups of
parents, teachers, and grandparents. See:

Dr. Heins' Lectures
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