WebParenTips - The Online Parenting Newsletter vol.4 no.4, Apr 2003 

                           PEACE

      War and terrorism. Two horrors on everyone's mind.

Children don't live in a vacuum; they hear about war and terrorism
from their parents and the media. Children are asking questions.
And parents are struggling with what and how much to tell their children.

As I write this, war seems imminent and the threat of terrorism is not
going away any time soon. But I want to focus on peace. Though the world
is a scary place right now, I want to focus on ways parents can help
their children deal with their fears.

Basically I'm an optimist but sometimes I'm scared about what's going
on in the world, you're scared about what's going on in the world, and
your children are scared about what's going on in the world.

To my way of thinking, all parents (busy as they may be) have a new task
these days. Their new job is to make their home a PLACE OF PEACE AND
REASSURANCE. A refuge from the scary outside world.

It's important to be honest with our children but it's never been more
important to help our children feel safe. I'm not talking about duct tape,
I'm talking about parents calmly determined to give their children the
reassurance that they are loved and will be taken care of.

There's no question that making the family home a refuge of peace starts
with the parents. How do parents, who may be scared and worried themselves,
reassure their children?

-- Get your own act together. Develop equanimity. Be informed, concerned,
and prepared but don't dwell on either terrorism or war. Statistically,
you and your family will be safe. So take a deep breath and whistle;
if you can't manage a happy tune you can still whistle!

-- Turn off the TV. Don't watch cable news, all real and potential
disasters are shown over and over again. This overload is unhealthy
for your brain. You want news, read the newspapers and listen to
public radio or TV.

-- Make your home a violence-free zone. Calm yourself. Teach everybody
how to take a time-out when they are heating up before they blurt out
an un-peaceful or unkind word. Have family code words to calm each
other down when somebody is heating up.

-- Be there for your children. Spend time with each child alone even
if it's only a few minutes. Observe each child for signs of fear or
worry and figure out the best way to reassure that child. Nothing
soothes a frightened child more than the presence of a calm, loving parent.

-- Talk frankly about your feelings. If you.re worried say so but
temper it with a promise that you.ll do everything in your power
to keep the child safe.

-- Slow down the pace of family life. Avoid weekends filled with
what my grandson calls, "silly, grownup errands". Perfect
the art of just hanging out together.

-- Use time-honored techniques to relax and find inner peace like
stress-reduction exercises and meditation. Make it a family project
to relax together.

-- Lower the noise levels down in your home. Make a game out of who
can talk the softest and fine those who yell from another room.
Turn off loud music. By the way, I bet you can make your house a
more peaceful place if you replace rap or rock with classical music.
(After a lecture I gave last week, one mother told me she never
bought a classical CD in her life and wondered where to begin.
I suggested the Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto and Beethoven's Archduke
Trio to fill her home and heart with beautiful melody. The Archduke
was the first record my mother brought home with our new phonograph,
the primitive machine on which we played music in the olden days.)

-- Spend time outdoors. Nature is soothing. I have started buying
one fresh flower when I go to the market to brighten my own home
and spirits.

-- Find your own family bliss. Be able to say, "We're not going
to talk about bad things like war anymore, we need some bliss time
together". Then do what makes your family blissful. Anything
from hot cocoa on a cold night to a surprise non-birthday party
to telling each other the happiest stories you can make up. One
mother I know had a party for the entire family even those who
were far away by placing pictures of the relatives who could not
be there on the table and talking about them during the meal.

Concentrate on peace and a sense of security in your home for the
sake of your children. And who knows, if we all concentrated on
peace the world might become a better place.


Happy Parenting,
Marilyn Heins, M.D.


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Dr. Marilyn Heins is a Tucson pediatrician, parenting
columnist for the Arizona Daily Star, author of the book,
ParenTips, as well as a mother, stepmother and grandmother.

She is available for workshops and lectures to groups of
parents, teachers, and grandparents. See:

Dr. Heins' Lectures
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