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NIGHTMARES

How does a parent tell whether a child who wakens in the middle of the night has had a bad dream or is just trying to get parental attention?

If your child wakes up frightened, go to him or her. That's a parent's job.

There is no question that a bright child quickly learns how to get parental attention. But parents can just as quickly learn the difference between a frightened child and a manipulative one.

A scream means a bad dream. A young child isn't clever enough to fake a scream. The crying or whining noises from the bedroom mean "I'm awake and bored and I want my parents to come in here and entertain me."

A nightmare is a scary dream that wakes the child up. Nightmares occur when the child is in deep sleep, the stage of sleep when dreaming takes place. This means nightmares occur in the middle of the night after the child has been asleep for a while. Crying for attention happens just after the child is put to bed.

After a nightmare, the young child wakes up suddenly, begins crying for the parents or runs to find the parents. Although the child may be sleepy because it's in the middle of the night, there is no question that the child is AWAKE and SCARED.

Depending on the age and verbal skills of the child, the child tries to tell you about the scary dream. Very young children may only say one word, "Monster!" or "Dog!"

Older children may describe the dream in detail. Many preschoolers, who are fuzzy about the boundaries between dreams and reality, may keep pointing to the closet and insist that the monster is still there.

Scary dreams reflect what is happening to the child during the day. They are common in preschoolers because young children go through monumental emotional conflicts in the process of growing up. And they have not yet learned how to deal with these strong emotional feelings.

Childhood is not as idyllic as we like to think. Young children worry about lots of things. They worry about being separated from their parents. If a sibling arrives they worry about losing parental love and attention to the new baby. They wonder if they will ever be able to do what their parents expect them to do in the toilet. They don't know what to do with their strong sexual or aggressive impulses. They have major fears about monsters, dogs, the dark, doctors.

How should parents handle nightmares? REASSURANCE, REASSURANCE, REASSURANCE. When you hear your child cry in fright in the middle of the night, go to the child quickly, turn on the light (even if the room is already dimly lit), and soothingly say you are there and won't let anything bad happen.

Keep your voice calm and soothing. Hold the child close or rock the child in your arms. Keep repeating you won't let anything bad happen. Tell the child, "That was a bad dream that scared you but you're OK."

Encourage your child to tell you about the dream. Don't prompt or second guess the unconscious mind. Rather ask, "Can you tell me what the dream was about?"

It's good for children to talk about their dreams even if they start shaking or crying. Your presence is reassuring, and talking about scary feelings is about the only way to deal with them when you are young and it's the middle of the night.

If your preschooler insists that the monster is still there, show him/her that no monster is around. Sometimes this situation calls for big-time monster-busting. A good device is a spray bottle with a harmless solution. You can add water to an almost empty bottle of cologne so the smell lingers to work its magic.

After the child is calmed down, encourage the child to go back to sleep. The next day remind the child about the dream and encourage talking about it, drawing a picture of the monster, etc.

If a child does not seem frightened when crying at night, wait to see if the child falls back to sleep. If not, go to the child's room for a brief moment. Say, "Everybody wakes up sometimes. You can play quietly in your bed until you're sleepy again." Then leave expecting the child to go back to sleep. Children behave best when we expect them to.

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ParentKidsRight by Marilyn Heins

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