Frequently asked question: “What can we do to motivate our
wait-until-the-last minute child to get things done earlier?"
Procrastination is annoying to parents and, carried to extreme, can be
harmful to the child.
What causes procrastination?
I sometimes think people come into the world with a built-in way of
approaching a task. Some people, like me, don't feel "right" until all
the things which have to be done are done. Others, like my son, put
things off until the last minute and seem to both need and enjoy the
ensuing adrenaline rush.
Young children dawdle because they don't yet understand time or the
need to hurry. They are also both distractable and curious which means
they may decide to look out the window instead of getting dressed.
The best way to help a child become time competent--and it takes a long
time for this to happen--is to PLAY GAMES rather than lecture about how
late the child will be. You can make it a race--"Let's run to the car!"
if the child is moving slowly or you can use the old "Let's see if you
can beat the timer" routine when the child is dawdling about getting
dressed. (All parents of young children need a timer handy for both
time-outs and beat-the-timer. The timer is neutral and toy-like; it's
not just for kitchens anymore.)
Another good strategy especially with chores is GRANDMA'S RULE: When
you have done X, then you can do Y. "When you have taken out the trash
and swept the patio, then you can play with Bob." Never get so
exasperated you do the child's chores yourself. This gives the message
that if your child stalls long enough, he or she doesn't have to do the
chore at all!
Always NOTICE AND REWARD “TIMELY" BEHAVIOR. “You got dressed so fast we
have time for a surprise tea party--you get the dolls and I'll get the
cookies."
It also helps to INTERPRET THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING LATE ( "We missed
the start of the game because you didn't get ready in time". or "You
would have had time to listen to your new tape if you made your bed
right away".)
What about procrastination in older children and teens? A more
complicated picture. Some kids avoid tasks until the last minute because
they are afraid of not doing well and, if their self-fulfilling prophecy
comes true, they can then tell themselves they didn't have enough time
to do a good job.
Others get into the habit of putting things off until the last minute
and relying on anxiety to push them into doing the work. This
"brinkmanship" has two flaws: it's not the healthiest way to motivate
oneself and the day will come when the child miscalculates and will not
be able to finish the assignment.
Then there are a group of teens that procrastinate so long they do not
finish any tasks with disastrous results: failing grades. Some
procrastinate to get parental attention or to annoy their parents.
Some children are overwhelmed by a task and do not know how to break it
down into manageable segments.
Parents can help in two ways. If the child is truly overwhelmed and
can't figure out how to start a big task, SHOW HOW TO BREAK A TASK INTO
SEGMENTS. Show your children how you tackle an onerous task like paying
bills (you can teach the kids how to keep papers organized and how to
complete the task in a timely fashion and avoid paying late charges.)
Most important, parents can help their children learn how to start and
complete tasks on time by LETTING THE CHILD OWN THE PROBLEM and
experience the consequences. If you keep reminding a teen that his or
her book report is due, you give two messages. One says that you don't
trust the child to keep track of assignments; the other tells the child
that you will likely perform some kind of "rescue" or, at the very least
keep reminding the child of the assignment. In other words you now own
the problem. Your child can now settle down in a comfortable laid-back
position!
One of the hardest lessons a parent has to learn is that as long as you
take the child's responsibility on your shoulders, you are prolonging
the procrastination. Children don't get up by themselves until you say,
"You have an alarm clock. I will not wake you for school. If you miss
the bus, it's your problem." Obviously you have to mean what you say!
When you say, and mean, that you will not remind the child of any
assignments then the child has to assume the responsibility and take any
consequences that may ensue if this responsibility is not met. Only
when you do this is it likely the procrastination will diminish.
